Pooping on People: Easy lessons for birds

 Lesson 1: Aim

The most fundamental lesson for pooing on people. Important. Master this before you move on to others.

Aim for the head. If the target is vertical i.e. standing, the head will provide the largest uncovered surface area for your poop. Further, if the target has dark hair, the white of your poop will shine gloriously on a sunny day.

Lesson 2: Technique

This lesson will show you how to maximize the impact of your dropping. An easy tip: Cover the largest area possible. For this it is better to be seated a relatively higher than usual so that your droppings will fall over a larger area on the target, leaving no part untouched.

Lesson 3: Stealth

It is best if the target does not realize that a ready-to-poop bird is sitting on the branch above his/her head. More experienced targets will immediately move away and a good opportunity will have been wasted.

Congratulations! On having completed the three lessons described above, you have now grasped the basics of Pooping on People. You are encouraged to practice the lessons at least three times a week too keep your skills sharp.

Now that you have mastered the basics, you can challenge yourself to Poop on People in various fun and innovative ways. We have suggested a few examples:

• Pooing on a chair just before the target sits down.

• Aiming while flying.

• Aiming while the target is walking.

Note: The nearly-insurmountable aim of die-hard poopers is the Aim-while-target-is-walking-and-bird-is-flying. Send us a video if you have accomplished this feat, and we will spread your name and fame across the bird-pooing world.

To conclude our lesson, we would like to remind you that in some cultures, such as in India, it is believed that bird droppings bring good luck. To be precise, if a bird poops on a person, something good is in store for them. Refer to the Panchatantra story about the bird whose droppings were as valuable as gold --quite literally seeing as they actually were gold. Therefore, for the more considerate of our students, do not be afraid of causing your target any trouble. You are doing them a favour. So go! Spread the Poop!


Ever since she was little, the author has had the rare privilege of being the target of many pooping birds. Be it during a volleyball match in 5th grade, on her way back from the Calcutta High Court after an internship, before an interview with the university's law review, on the way to dinner, sitting idly with some friends in college, on a beach, in a cafe, on a holiday in Manali, while jogging and the most memorable so far: After a very expensive hair spa on her last birthday, the birds have always been drawn to her. 

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Current Mood: Miffed
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Tale of the Golden Droppings
(straight from the Panchatantra)

On the top of a mountain, there was a huge tree. In this tree, lived a certain bird, by the name of Sindhuka whose droppings always turned into gold.

One day, a hunter came to the spot to catch birds. While he was watching, this bird discharged its droppings. Immediately it turned into gold.

The hunter was wonder-struck and he thought to himself, 'I have been catching birds since I was a small child, but never have I seen the droppings of a bird turn to gold!'

So the hunter set a trap in the tree.

The foolish bird did not notice either the hunter or the trap and was caught.

The hunter took him out of the trap and put him in a cage.

Then he thought to himself, 'Now, before anyone finds out about this strange bird and reports it to the king, I had better go to him myself and present the bird to him.'

And so, he took the bird to the king and told him everything.

The king was delighted and said to his attendants. 'Look after this bird carefully. Give him food and water to his heart's content'.

But the king's minister said to him, 'Your Majesty! How can you trust the words of a mere hunter? Could it ever be possible to get gold from a bird's droppings! We advise you to take him out of the cage and release him'.

The king listened to his minister's advice and set the bird free.

Immediately, the bird perched himself on the top of a nearby gate and let fall his droppings which immediately turned to gold.

The wise indeed say : Check thoroughly even what seems to be impossible.